Andrea talks about how in the marriage she learned to be a great hostess
(in her own way) by rolling a good joint, dressing nicely, attending to
guests. She seeks to please her husband so she goes along with violent
sex, she cleans the house as he would like, she cleans the refrigerator
after not doing so led him to attack her. She does many of these to try
to be a good wife, and to fill her gender role in the traditional sense
of a marriage. I think that she is trying to show that the inequalities
in traditional marriage change people, and makes them less human. She
would try to remind her husband that it was her, the person he was tying
up was her, that she was the person he used to consider a "blood
brother" and whisper andrea too. But after they got married he just saw
her as Mrs. (his own name) as his property. On page 163 she wrote, "I
would just lie there for him and he didn't need no rope. We was
married." The marriage is the rope, she doesn't need to be tied down to
be controlled because the institution of marriage and her role as a wife
is what holds her down. I think that the notion of the roles of marriage
changing people can be true, but not to this extent. I think that in
this case the problems this couple faced was not entirely caused by the
marriage changing them. I think his abusive nature would have come out
in time with or without a marriage.
A point I would like to make note of is the important distinction
between abusive relationships and sexism. I feel Andrea blurred that
line in order to make the reader think about how sexism, and how the
sexist role of women in marriage led to dehumanization/abuse in this
chapter. Abusive relationships can go both ways. There can be violence
in any kind of relationship (heterosexual and homosexual). Intimate
partner violence has less to do with the perceived differences between
men and women, and more to do with control of the other partner.
When it comes to abuse of men, I believe that women are just as capable today to reciprocate violence. The availability of guns, training and verbal abuse is open to any woman. Therefore, whether it is a homosexual or heterosexual, the ideal of marriage doesn't change. The values of marriage change people because marriage is not about meeting one's need but leaving a life where two people are partners. Where each individual serves their partner. You give before you receive and if your partner is not willing to commit to that than marriage is not the goal nor a solution. The popularity of divorce is a joke. I feel that if people don't realize that marriage is a covenant than don't commit to each other, because the lateral damage of a divorce just induces more pain into families and in turn shapes the hurt individuals of this world with baggage. E
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